New policy

Here’s the deal.  I’ve been trying to politely reply to incorrect submissions.  People using the last resort email without reading the guidelines have been getting summarily and unceremoniously deleted, but others have used the submission form for non-fiction, or they’ve submitted their query via the contact us page, one person even recently read the submission guidelines and somehow got the impression it was pick-mix and skipped straight to the last resort option and even admitted as much in the email.  Until today the ones not just sending us any and sundry email on the last resort address have been getting polite replies directing them to the submission guidelines and form.

No more.

The forms explain themselves.  The submission guidelines, while possibly able to stand being phrased more business like and stuffy (something I’d rather slit my own wrists than attempt to do to the poor defenseless English language), are pretty straight forward and clear.  If you can’t read them, it is now our policy to assume that this also means you cannot write and that we will not be able to finish your book; literacy, after all, ought to be a prerequisite for being a writer.

I’m sorry, but it’s going too far and getting to be too much.  There have been days where over half of the submissions were incorrect and it took the better part of an hour to reply to all of them before adding the people who did as they were asked to our backlog!  That’s time that might have seen the start and finish of someone’s short story.  It’s certainly the amount of time it took me to read our first comic submission!

When you waste our time you waste other authors’ time.  So no more.  When you can follow the guidelines we’ll consider your book.  Until then you’re refiled to the bin without a glance or a tear shed.

Yes, this post is rude.  Believe me — there are hundreds of bad submissions behind it.  Patience and politeness have been exhausted and have left the building.

The Hobbit

TheHobbit_FirstEditionI know what you’re thinking.  Oh, God, why?! That book is like 60 years old or something.  It’s been reviewed, it’s been analysed, it’s been dissected, bisected, vivisected, and several other kinds of sected!

Yes, but it’s also a classic, and one very well deserving of that label.

First off, it’s a grand adventure.  Little Bilbo Baggins, never left the Shire, is on his way to deal with a dragon!  Exciting, no?

Next, there’s the narrative.  Oh, the narrator is a character in and of itself!  This is a good thing, not a necessary thing in all stories but one that rarely hurts and can often help.  This narrative draws you in, holds your hand, and paints the picture for you in your mind.  Truly, the prose itself is enough that anyone ought to read this book.

It’s a kid’s story.  For no fathomable reason, it’s often placed near the adult fantasy books, but it’s not.  This story is the kind of thing a parent could read as a bedtime story to a little one, and a must have on any older child’s shelves to read themselves.  A fantastic, good ol’ fashioned Quest tale, as well as one of the first paving stones on the road that would become modern fantasy.

The characters, well now.  That’s an interesting look.  By many modern standards of literature, the characters could use work — but I also have a low opinion of many modern literary scholars, so let me tell you what I think.  I think that, as the story is about Bilbo Baggins, there is a cute little bit of frame story that it is by Sir Bilbo Baggins, et al that the important character to develop is — drum roll please — Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End.

The dwarves are, largely, decoration.  Their purposes need not even be two dimensional, let alone three.  There is a bit of hint that our fine Professor Tolkien knew more about them than he showed us or told us, which is as it should be, the author who knows more about the characters than the reader is an author who has a rich, lively setting that isn’t an endless string of plot devices.

As for our Mr Baggins, he’s very well developed, very well established, and you immediately are sucked into his world and his adventure.  You’re riding upon his shoulder and seeing through his eyes as the narrator guides you through.  Anyone, 5 to 500 male, female, hermaphrodite, animal, vegetable, or mineral ought to be able to readily identify with him.

Truly, this is the quintessential fantasy novel — the one that every generation of fantasy writers except a very new crop of them in recent decades, read and adored.  This book deserves to be rated among the great literatures of Britain.  In my opinion it is also the greatest thing the good Professor ever put on paper (not a fan of LotR, but that’s for another day).